By the calendar the season has changed from Summer to Autumn, and I find myself feeling inner changes as well. They feel scary and upsetting to me, and I look for some relief – for some notion of what is coming. Not knowing makes me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable.
Over the summer I spent a lot of time with “tall, handsome, funny man” and found myself helping him to find some stability in his life. His housing situation has improved, fortunately; however, it makes him farther away from my house than before.
He is a cyclist, and because of his interest and our friendship I have entered that realm as well, buying a recumbent tricycle. Initially we rode everyday after my purchase, nearly 30 days in a row. I took off one day; he was out of town for a few. Then the autumn winds began to blow and they brought allergens that have set me back, now for two weeks. I haven’t ridden in three days. After returning to town my friend began moving to his new space, so our riding has been sporadic for the past week or so. Tomorrow we will meet at our usual place and time for a ride. His new residence means we each have to drive to our meeting place. Before, the place was only a block away from where he lived. Again, fear that our liaison will change.
Things are changing for him in a positive way, and I am glad I have had some influence in that. However, I also feel threatened by those changes; fear of loss. I wonder about how our relationship will change. He certainly doesn’t need the kind of help I provided earlier. That ‘helpful’ me seems to be out of a job! Now we are beginning a new phase of our friendship and I feel very vulnerable. Relationships have not been my forte – nor his.
My focus has been on having no expectations, accepting my friend as he is, with all the issues, and there ARE issues. He is not interested in a romantic relationship, as we generally understand the word ‘romantic’. I’m not interested in a romantic relationship of that kind either; however, I am interested in companionship and intimacy, and I want to see the changes as an opportunity to grow and expand in ways I’ve not done before. It seems to be about letting go of my old patterns of relating, and learning new ways.
I told my girlfriend a few months ago that I’d ‘gone down the rabbit hole’ with this person – I HAD to go there, no choice. To continue on with the adventure is in one way very exciting and in other ways, very scary. The bottom line for me is, though, that I only have one day at a time – there are no guarantees in life, and things do change – so I will enjoy every moment I have with this person, however it shows up. It’s my challenge to myself in loving someone, whether they love me or not – and of course, that is the fear as well.
Accept whatever comes to you woven in the pattern of your destiny; for what could more aptly fit your needs? (Marcus Aurelius)